Relationships
I might be in love with my best friend, so I asked a dating expert what I should do about it
Let me first get this out of the way: I don’t expect this to be my Never Been Kissed moment. You know, the one where Josie writes the article about being in love with the teacher after she betrays him, but then he reads it and they still get to fall in love? My situation is a bit different—I’m writing this today because I might be in love with my best friend, and I’m not sure what to do about it, so I went to a dating expert for guidance.
“Liking” a friend, or wanting that person to be more than a friend, is something many of us have experienced. It’s not an easy feeling to deal with. Relationships can form from it, and friendships can be ruined because of it. Dating is already complicated, but at least a date implies an obvious intention to like the other person. If you swipe right on each other on Tinder, you can assume the other person’s potential interest.
When you hang out with a friend, it’s not so clear. It’s confusing because, when you’re friends with that person, you’re already vulnerable with them. Calling them three times a day might not even be a big deal, and you’re generally less guarded around them because the stakes for a friendship ending may not be as high as the stakes for getting your heart broken. But when your feelings for a friend evolve and those stakes are less separated, how do you navigate those emotions?
Friend A (let’s call him Friend A) and I met in October of 2017 at a game night with multiple people. Everything was strictly platonic. We even had a “friend date” a couple months later at a Color Me Mine in Pasadena. From that initial hang, Friend A and I would go to dinner or drinks every few weeks. We talked on the phone regularly and had what looked like a beautifully platonic relationship. That should be that…right?
It was after about a year of “friendship” that I really started to evaluate my feelings. Because butterflies were forming, or so I thought. According to the dating podcast, U Up? hosted by Betches co-founders Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid, it’s “not possible,” to be in a platonic “best friendship” with a person of a gender that you’re attracted to. If you break down the definition of a romantic partner, isn’t it often a best friend that you’re attracted to? So how do I differentiate the relationship I might have with a significant other with the relationship I have with a best friend I’m attracted to? With sexual intimacy? Why do I want more from this relationship?
I asked myself, are my feelings romantically inclined, or am I putting a fantastical spin on a version of reality that doesn’t exist, but would just be fun if it did? Did I like him, or did I just like the general feeling of happiness I got from our friendship? And if I’d developed romantic feelings from a situation that isn’t actually love, what did that say about me? These were the existential interludes that went through my mind.
Welp, it turns out I didn’t even get the chance to explore those interludes because, a month or so later, I got a text explaining how he wanted to make sure our relationship stayed strictly platonic.
He told me that he valued our friendship so much, and he wanted to make sure my feelings toward him hadn’t changed. I honestly think I went through the five stages of grief upon reading that text, but I responded by telling him that we were “totally on the same page,” and that I was sorry if my actions had alluded otherwise.
You may be yelling at the screen, frustrated by my decision to subdue the situation rather than open up in an honest, healthy way. I decided to bring in L.A.’s top-rated love expert, Gemini Ferrie, to help me figure out how to move forward. Is there any chance for me and my maybe-love interest? How do I communicate my feelings? Her practice touts finding “thoughtful love,” after all.
First thing’s first: Is there a right way versus a wrong way to tell someone how you feel?
“There’s no right or wrong way to express our feelings to others,” says Ferrie, as long as we’re respectful of boundaries. “However, there is a way to express how we feel from our authentic whole and complete self, not our wounded self which is looking for someone to give us the love that is missing in our relationship with ourselves.”
So then I asked her a tougher question, but one I really needed to know the answer to: If the person you’re interested in goes out of their way to ensure that your friendship is strictly a friendship, are you setting yourself up for heartbreak by hoping that their feelings for you might change?
Ferrie says, “There’s always a chance for anything to happen. Life is full of surprises and there’s no real way of predicting how we are going to feel in the future…but hoping and fantasizing can really get in the way of being connected to and guided by reality. Waiting around to see if someone else’s feelings will change is like waiting around to see if it’ll rain when it’s cloudy. Why wait to see if someone may like you in the future when you can find someone who will like you now?”
She’s right—his feelings could change, but he very clearly stated something about our relationship that was important to him. I need to listen to that, and respect it.
To try to have a better handle on future situations, I asked Ferrie how we can more accurately determine a friend’s feelings about us. “The best, most accurate, and reliable [way to find out] is to ask the other person how they feel about you,” she says. “Being straight-up avoids guessing, hoping, fantasizing, and wasting mental and emotional energy and time pursuing the wrong person.”
Hearing this, I completely agree with it. Finding out how someone feels simply requires beginning a conversation asking them as much. Then Ferrie left me a side note that I also appreciate—even though it slightly breaks my heart:
That third party advice came in hot. She’s totally right. And as perfect as I may think Friend A and I would be in a relationship, he let me know that he isn’t open to seeing me in that way. Yes, so many great relationships start out as friendships first—but I think the beauty of those special relationships is that the timing and desire were right for both parties. Do I want to tell him how I feel now, and risk losing the friendship all together? Like Ferrie said, he told me how he feels, so I don’t think that right now is the time for me to ask why he doesn’t want the same thing.
I’ll just continue thinking that I’m the Jim and he’s the Pam in this scenario…maybe I’ll just wait around another year, put it all on the line, ruin our friendship for a couple months, and then be together forever? Sigh. We’ll see, and you can tell me what you think I should do.
If you happen to have a pet of your own, you already know the kind of love and joy that comes with having a furry pet in your home. You are usually speechless when describing how big a pet can affect your life.
Pets are really great companions. They are very loyal and cheerful companions who will never stop loving you. When you come home after a long day at work, they are always waiting for you to pet them. They are there to make you laugh even when you don’t want to smile.
Be friends with anyone in your family, young or old, always ready to offer you unconditional love and not ask for anything in return. We are not pet friendly. But they are still there for us. Pets are always there to comfort you whenever you are feeling depressed and lonely. They sense when you’re feeling down and try to lift you up with positive energy and optimism. Pets are a constant reminder to be happy in life, even in the face of constant adversity and challenges. Pets teach us to always look for things to be grateful for, even when it feels like the whole world is weighing on our shoulders. Pets always teach you to look at life and see all the beauty it has to offer.
Helping Children Through Pet Illness & Death
As a result, many people find it very difficult to say goodbye to their beloved pets. Losing a pet is always a very painful experience. Sometimes it even creates a degree of emotional trauma in a person to the point of never wanting to have a pet again. It’s like saying goodbye to a best friend forever. You never feel like you had enough time together. You will always want them to be with you forever.
Many people underestimate how painful it can be to lose a dog, cat, turtle, hamster, fish or any pet you can think of. Science confirms that the grief and devastation you feel when you lose a pet is justified. We conducted a determined study, which found that all owners agreed on how intensely and deeply they felt the pain they felt as a result of the loss. A team of researchers from Hawaii also conducted a study and found that the pain felt after losing a caress can last as long as the pain felt after losing a loved one.
Many people agree that you can’t really compare what it feels like to lose a pet to how it feels to lose someone you love. However, research shows that the level of devastation and suffering between the two experiences can be very similar in degree and magnitude.
It is not necessary to have experienced love in a romantic sense to be able to express love and kindness towards others. Love can take many forms and can be directed towards oneself, friends, family, and even strangers. A person can also show love through acts of kindness, generosity, and empathy without necessarily having experienced romantic love. Additionally, one can also learn and practice empathy, kindness, and other aspects of love through other means.
Love is a fundamental human need. It can take many forms, such as the love between romantic partners, the love between family members, and the love of oneself. Love can provide a sense of security, belonging, and self-worth. It can also play a crucial role in mental and physical well-being. Research has shown that people who have strong, positive relationships with others tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer. Lack of love and connection can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, which can have negative effects on mental and physical health.
Love is often thought of as a reciprocal feeling, meaning that it is often given and received. It is often said that love begets love, meaning that when we give love, we often receive it in return. The more love we give, the more love we tend to have in our lives. This can be seen in relationships where the more effort and care one partner puts in, the more the other partner tends to respond in kind. Additionally, showing love and kindness to others can often lead to an increase in self-love and self-esteem.
There are many ways to cultivate love in our lives, both for ourselves and for others. Here are a few ways to get love and be loved:
- Show love and kindness to others: One of the best ways to receive love is to give it. By showing love and kindness to others, we create positive relationships and a sense of connection.
- Practice self-love: Loving yourself is the first step to being loved by others. Take time to care for yourself, set boundaries, and treat yourself with kindness and respect.
- Communicate effectively: Clear and open communication is key to any healthy relationship. Express your needs and feelings, and make sure to listen actively to others.
- Be open to love: Sometimes we can block ourselves from receiving love by having preconceived notions about what love should look like. Be open to different forms of love and the ways it can come into your life.
- Volunteer and give back to the community: Helping others and giving back to the community can help boost self-esteem, and also put you in touch with people who may become your close friends or romantic partners.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that love is not something that can be forced or controlled. It takes time and effort to build strong, healthy relationships, and it’s normal to experience ups and downs in any relationship.
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