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I cheated on my boyfriend and learned it takes two to cheat

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“We broke up because she made out with someone else,” is what my ex would tell you if you asked him how we went from (for lack of a better term) #RelationshipQuotes to We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. And while yes, on paper that was the catalyst that moved me out of Marvin*’s apartment in Brooklyn and into my parent’s house in Connecticut at 31. In reality, cheating on my boyfriend by making out with another guy was only the tip of the iceberg of our problems, which, unlike the Titanic, I saw from the second I got on board our relation-ship. 

And before you hate-read the rest of this, as perhaps someone broke your heart when they cheated on you (I can relate! It’s happened to me more times than I can count.), I want you to know I am not a cheater. That’s not who I am.  

I can’t even say those words: 

Cheater. 

Cheated.

I’m a cheater.

Before this happened to me, I thought cheaters were always cold, heartless, and terrible people, but now I understand why people cheat. Cheating isn’t black and white. But it all boils down to one thing: It can take two people to cheat, and cheating isn’t always one-sided. 

While I wholeheartedly believe that if you are going to or are tempted to cheat, you should get out of your relationship, sometimes it’s not always that simple. I tried to get out of this relationship many times but felt trapped.

I am writing this not to excuse my bad behavior, because what’s done is done. I own all my actions and all I can do is learn and grow from this. I no longer believe in the saying “once a cheater always a cheater,” as I could never put someone I used to love or myself through this again—ever. 

There were many times in my relationship with Marvin when I felt emotionally cheated on by him. Times, upon looking back, I realize may have been the perfect opportunity to end things. 

Like the time he told me that before we started dating he was hooking up with a girl he worked with. He broke things off; she didn’t handle it well. Any night he’d be at the office late, a pit of fear would eat up my insides. I couldn’t sleep most nights, worried that he was cheating on me, and to this day I’ll never know.

Or how one day an hour after leaving his apartment, while I was at an event with friends, he tried to break up with me in a paragraph-long text message ending with an eagle emoji. We’d been dating for nine months at this point and had hit all our relationship milestones. “You deserve better,” the text said, and he was right, I did. But I was too focused on decoding the eagle emoji: Was he trying to tell me he loves America? He wants freedom? Or is it a bald eagle and he wants me to know he’s losing his hair? Instead I assured him we were solid and did everything I possibly could do to make him feel happy, never realizing you can’t fix a broken person.

Then there was the two months up until the moment I became a cheater. When I felt more alone in the relationship than I ever felt when I was single. We’d go days without talking or texting. And when we did talk, we’d have one-word conversations.

It was around this time I kept running into Richard,* a guy I went to high school with, who I always thought was cute, but he always dated my friends. He started talking to me over text more than my live-in boyfriend ever talked to me. I’d instantly smile any time his unsaved 203 number flashed up on my phone. He’d ask me how my day was, and what I was working on, questions my boyfriend stopped asking me months ago. 

So when Richard asked if I wanted to grab drinks one night, I said sure, viewing it as harmless since we were just friends.

But three vodka sodas later, Richard kissed me and I kissed him back, because he asked me how my day was

I knew I had to break up with Marvin immediately. But we had his best friend’s wedding the next day, and I didn’t want to ruin it for him. So I decided I’d come clean and end things when we got back a couple of days later.

But the guilt was eating away at me. I couldn’t believe what I had done. “I made out with Richard,” I texted my best friend from high school. She knew Richard and how unhappy I was with Marvin. “You made out with someone else. You need to tell Marvin,” she texted back the next morning. 

But the strangest thing happened. Suddenly Marvin transformed from the grumpy boyfriend I never talked to, into the enthusiastic best friend I fell in love with. We were us again, making plans and supporting each other in any endeavor. 

What had I done? 

Back in New York, for the first time since Marvin and I moved in with each other, he came home in time for dinner. We were eating soup dumplings and watching Sabrina, when he said what I wanted to tell him the second it happened:

“I know you made out with someone else.” 

Turns out he saw the text on my phone from my friend. Which brings me to the whole point of this essay: Always make sure your text previews are off. 

I’m kidding. 

The real point here is while cheating isn’t right, there are two sides to cheating. The side where the cheater messed up in a moment, and the other side where the cheater felt cheated on and trapped from the moment they got into this broken relationship but never spoke up out of fear.

It feels unfair that my two years spent in the relationship, all the loving and supportive things I did for Marvin, like uprooting my life in Los Angeles to be with him in New York, the thoughtful gifts, homemade couple’s costumes, breakfasts in bed, packed lunches for work, and gourmet dinners—devoting myself fully to someone who rarely put me first, means nothing because I kissed back a stranger and he (to my knowledge) didn’t. 

But the bigger lesson for me here, aside from, if you’re tempted to cheat it’s time to break-up, is you should never stay in a broken relationship because you’re scared like I was. All of those times it was crystal clear Marvin and I were done—I made it work because I was scared. I was scared to be alone in my 30s. And this was one of the reasons our relationship was so broken. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, from the moment I asked Marvin “What are we?” to the second I moved out of our apartment. 

I realize now how backwards it is to stay in a relationship for the sole purpose of not being alone.

That is not a healthy relationship. It is only when you have truly found comfort in yourself and basked in your loneliness, like I have for the past ten months that you are truly ready to be in a relationship. A relationship that you don’t necessarily need, doesn’t measure your worth, and you could live without. A relationship in which you mutually add value and happiness to each other’s lives, so it would be even more backwards to deny this connection solely based on the fear that you will get hurt again. Because most importantly, in this relationship, you feel calm.

Most of my time with Marvin I was anxiety-ridden, heart racing, shortness of breath, terrified it would end. And when it did end (in a way I wish I could rewrite but accept that I can’t) for the first time in two years I felt calm. If your relationship ended because you cheated, don’t beat yourself up; there was probably a reason. While you can’t edit your past, you can take your lessons with you into your future and grow from your flaws. 

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Relationships

8 Reasons Why Strong Women Have Difficulty In Dating

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8 Reasons Why Strong Women Have Difficulty In Dating

There are many strong, independent people in the world who find it really hard to succeed in dating and relationships. You are incredibly smart, beautiful, talented, and ambitious. Yet they still struggle to find a good man to be with. They are the kind of women who can get the man they want. Is not. But why?

Well, you might think I’m just bragging and self-centered. You might think these strong women think too much of themselves. You may think that you don’t have time.

But oddly enough, it has very little to do with these things. And these strong women certainly aren’t afraid to get their hearts broken by terrible men in toxic relationships. They hate being hurt by someone they fall in love with. But they were never afraid to show up in the dating world. So what’s stopping you from finding the right person to be with? Well, it’s a lot more complicated than you think. There are many reasons why strong women struggle to date, and here are just a few of them.

 

  1. They have high standards: Strong women know what they want in a partner and are not willing to settle for less. This can make it difficult to find someone who meets their expectations.
  2. They are independent: Strong women are used to taking care of themselves and may have a hard time letting someone else take the lead in a relationship.
  3. They are not afraid to speak their minds: Strong women are not afraid to speak their minds and may come across as intimidating or difficult to those who are not used to assertive behavior.
  4. They are used to being in control: Strong women are used to being in control and may have a hard time relinquishing control in a relationship.
  5. They are self-sufficient: Strong women are self-sufficient and may not need someone else to take care of them, which can be a turn off for some men.
  6. They have a busy lifestyle: Strong women often have demanding careers or other commitments that can make it difficult to find time for dating.
  7. They have been hurt in the past: Strong women may have been hurt in the past and may have a hard time trusting someone new.
  8. They are not afraid to be alone: Strong women are not afraid to be alone and may not feel the need to be in a relationship, which can make it difficult for someone to get close to them.

It’s important to remember that everyone is different and these reasons may not apply to every strong woman out there. Strong women should be appreciated and respected for who they are and not discouraged because of their independence, strength, and confidence.

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Relationships

The Loss Of A Pet Is More Painful Than Most People Would Believe

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The Loss Of A Pet Is More Painful Than Most People Would Believe

If you happen to have a pet of your own, you already know the kind of love and joy that comes with having a furry pet in your home. You are usually speechless when describing how big a pet can affect your life.

Pets are really great companions. They are very loyal and cheerful companions who will never stop loving you. When you come home after a long day at work, they are always waiting for you to pet them. They are there to make you laugh even when you don’t want to smile.

Be friends with anyone in your family, young or old, always ready to offer you unconditional love and not ask for anything in return. We are not pet friendly. But they are still there for us. Pets are always there to comfort you whenever you are feeling depressed and lonely. They sense when you’re feeling down and try to lift you up with positive energy and optimism. Pets are a constant reminder to be happy in life, even in the face of constant adversity and challenges. Pets teach us to always look for things to be grateful for, even when it feels like the whole world is weighing on our shoulders. Pets always teach you to look at life and see all the beauty it has to offer.

Helping Children Through Pet Illness & Death

Helping Children Through Pet Illness & Death

As a result, many people find it very difficult to say goodbye to their beloved pets. Losing a pet is always a very painful experience. Sometimes it even creates a degree of emotional trauma in a person to the point of never wanting to have a pet again. It’s like saying goodbye to a best friend forever. You never feel like you had enough time together. You will always want them to be with you forever.

Many people underestimate how painful it can be to lose a dog, cat, turtle, hamster, fish or any pet you can think of. Science confirms that the grief and devastation you feel when you lose a pet is justified. We conducted a determined study, which found that all owners agreed on how intensely and deeply they felt the pain they felt as a result of the loss. A team of researchers from Hawaii also conducted a study and found that the pain felt after losing a caress can last as long as the pain felt after losing a loved one.

Many people agree that you can’t really compare what it feels like to lose a pet to how it feels to lose someone you love. However, research shows that the level of devastation and suffering between the two experiences can be very similar in degree and magnitude.

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Relationships

Do We Need to Experience Love to Be Loving?

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Do We Need to Experience Love to Be Loving?

It is not necessary to have experienced love in a romantic sense to be able to express love and kindness towards others. Love can take many forms and can be directed towards oneself, friends, family, and even strangers. A person can also show love through acts of kindness, generosity, and empathy without necessarily having experienced romantic love. Additionally, one can also learn and practice empathy, kindness, and other aspects of love through other means.

Love is a fundamental human need. It can take many forms, such as the love between romantic partners, the love between family members, and the love of oneself. Love can provide a sense of security, belonging, and self-worth. It can also play a crucial role in mental and physical well-being. Research has shown that people who have strong, positive relationships with others tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer. Lack of love and connection can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, which can have negative effects on mental and physical health.

Do We Need to Experience Love to Be Loving?

Love is often thought of as a reciprocal feeling, meaning that it is often given and received. It is often said that love begets love, meaning that when we give love, we often receive it in return. The more love we give, the more love we tend to have in our lives. This can be seen in relationships where the more effort and care one partner puts in, the more the other partner tends to respond in kind. Additionally, showing love and kindness to others can often lead to an increase in self-love and self-esteem.

There are many ways to cultivate love in our lives, both for ourselves and for others. Here are a few ways to get love and be loved:

  1. Show love and kindness to others: One of the best ways to receive love is to give it. By showing love and kindness to others, we create positive relationships and a sense of connection.
  2. Practice self-love: Loving yourself is the first step to being loved by others. Take time to care for yourself, set boundaries, and treat yourself with kindness and respect.
  3. Communicate effectively: Clear and open communication is key to any healthy relationship. Express your needs and feelings, and make sure to listen actively to others.
  4. Be open to love: Sometimes we can block ourselves from receiving love by having preconceived notions about what love should look like. Be open to different forms of love and the ways it can come into your life.
  5. Volunteer and give back to the community: Helping others and giving back to the community can help boost self-esteem, and also put you in touch with people who may become your close friends or romantic partners.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that love is not something that can be forced or controlled. It takes time and effort to build strong, healthy relationships, and it’s normal to experience ups and downs in any relationship.

 

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