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How to have a healthy argument with your partner, according to your attachment style

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No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, you’ve probably bickered with them more than you’d like to admit. Luckily, therapists believe it’s healthy to argue with your S.O. occasionally—but that doesn’t mean you should go off the rails when you do. There’s a healthy way to disagree. And all you have to do is learn from your attachment style.

The Attachment Theory is a behavioral theory that focuses on the early relationships developed between caregivers and their children. These bonds determine how we attach and respond to future relationships, both personal and professional, as adults. It’s theorized that as children, we develop assumptions on how others will care and behave based on how available and responsive our parents were to our needs. And according to this information, there are four attachment patterns: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, and Fearful Avoidant.

Understanding these styles can help us learn how to communicate better and develop healthier relationships, especially with our partners.

“Attachment Theory (depending on you or your partner’s attachment style) can help explain why you need reassurance from a partner, why you are more reserved in relationships, why you feel hyper-sensitive to even constructive criticism by your partner, [or] why you are confused in light of an argument,” Dr. Kim Chronister, licensed clinical psychologist, tells HelloGiggles. “It also offers insight into why couples continue to have similar arguments over a long period of time with no resolve and underlying feelings of unease.”

Overall, knowing and understanding your attachment style can change your relationship for the better. Take this quiz to find out yours, then read on to see how you can have healthier arguments based on your results.

Secure Attachment

Just because someone with a Secure Attachment Style is responsive and empathic to their partner’s needs doesn’t mean they never argue with their them. According to New York-based relationship expert Laurel Steinberg, Ph.D., “secure attachers can unhealthily manifest their worries about a partner’s behavior unrelated to their relationship in venomously mean ways that stir up arguments.”

Steinberg explains that people with secure attachments can improve this by making sure they deliver their concerns with respect and constructive criticism. Additionally, Chronister suggests that they sit down with their partner once a month to discuss two or three improvements that could prevent future arguments from happening.

“Taking inventory on a regular basis can shed light on blind spots of even securely attached individuals in a relationship,” she says.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

“Those with a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style think highly of themselves, but are not trusting of others. They often create ‘my-side’ biases (which is when people look for evidence to support their concerns) more than those who attach securely,” says Steinberg. “As a result, they may argue with their partners more often (because they are ‘looking for trouble’) and therefore often bring a lot of evidence to the argument to support their grievances.”

To alleviate people with Dismissive-Avoidant Styles from always thinking the worst of their partners, it’s important for them to recognize their natural negative thought patterns and be direct about their needs in a calm and mature manner.

“Allow space for your partner to voice opinions during the disagreement [and] take inventory of the wants and needs of each other. [You want] to avoid playing hot and cold and instead, acknowledge what your partner does right so your partner does not go into defense mode every time you talk about your needs and wants,” says Chronister.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

People with Anxious-Preoccupied Attachments spend a lot of their time being preoccupied with their partner’s thoughts and actions. This can feed their fear of not truly knowing their partner’s emotions or thoughts. In the long run, this may cause them to neglect themselves and their own needs because they’re solely focusing on their partner, says Chronister.

To combat this behavior, Chronister suggests to “practice asserting your needs on a regular basis. This may feel foreign at first, but your partner needs you to give them the tools to know how to treat you.”

In addition, Steinberg recommends you believe in yourself and your relationship(s). “Come to terms with the fact that while no one and no relationship is ever perfect (and that is okay), you’re deserving of being esteemed highly and treated well.”

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

If you have a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style, you may be more inclined to protect your own feelings, create distance from your partner during or after an argument, and be less skilled in understanding your partner’s needs, according to Chronister. While these negative tactics might have served you as a child, it’s important to reevaluate these habits to grow and develop healthier relationships.

Steinberg suggests to not be so hard on yourself. “Unconditional self-acceptance, with the understanding that you always do your best, will go a long way to limit the panicky feelings that fearful-avoidant attachers experience within relationships,” she says.

This is important because you may believe that your partner doesn’t think highly of you in addition to  not thinking highly of your partner or the relationship. Creating a safe space will resolve this—and result in you arguing fewer times than you normally would—which is what we all strive for in the long run.

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9 Men Reveal The Best Compliments They’ve Ever Gotten From Women

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A lot of men can have confidence issues. And they can depend on other peoples’ validations for them to feel better about themselves. However, it’s always going to be a different story whenever the women that they’re with are the ones who are throwing compliments.

You probably know how good it feels to be on the receiving end of a compliment from the man that you love. Even the slightest hint about him admiring how you look is going to be enough to put a massive smile on your face. So, naturally, it would be the same for him too. That’s why you should never be stingy with the compliments that you give him. At the end of the day, the best way to get your man to feel better is to throw him a compliment.

How Do You Compliment Him?

Guys are going to want to hear great things about themselves, as well. They want to know what you see in them or why you like them. Of course, it would be good for you to throw them a bone every once in a while. It’s a great way to show them that you’re appreciative of their efforts. If you’re unsure about what kinds of compliments you should be giving him, then this is the article for you.

In this piece, nine different guys revealed the best compliments that they’ve ever received from their women and why. If you’re ever looking for ideas or inspiration, then you’ve come to the right place. Read more about what these guys want to hear from their women.

1. “I know you can do it!”

Men can go through a lot of struggles in this world. There are so many expectations that are set for them. Naturally, this can be a lot of pressure and stress. That’s why it’s always a better idea for you to just let him know that you think that he can get over his hurdles and adversities. That extra push is still going to be welcome to him.

2. “You are brilliant!”

Hey, men hate being objectified just as much as women do. You probably hate it whenever men tell you that you’re really hot, and they only focus on that all of the time. It’s the same for them as well. Hence, it would be a good idea for you to let him know that he’s smart. It means that you admire him beyond the way that he looks.

3. “You are in really great shape.”

Of course, it’s easy to tell him that he has excellent eyes and that he has a beautiful smile. However, it’s even better if you compliment him about a body part that he can control and manipulate. If he puts a lot of effort into his physique, then let him know that his efforts don’t go unnoticed.

4. “You work so hard.”

Again, there is a general theme here. You want him to feel like his efforts are worth it. That’s why it’s a good idea for you to show him that you see just how hard he works in life.

5. “You are so funny.”

A sense of humor is always going to be important in a relationship. Therefore, it’s nice to let your man know just how funny you find him. It’s going to make him feel good to see that he brings positivity and joy into your life.

6. “I love the way that you work for this relationship.

Of course, you should be letting him know that you appreciate the hard work that he pours into the relationship. This way, he knows that his efforts are being appreciated and validated.

7. “I love your hair!”

Men care about their hair. Make no mistake about it. And obviously, he puts a lot of effort into his hair. Whether or not you notice, it’s essential to let him know that you like his hair. At the end of the day, it’s little things like this that keep the relationship alive.

8. “You make me happy.”

Ultimately, happiness is the key. That’s the whole point of everything. And if he knows that he makes you happy, then it’s going to entice him to want to make you more comfortable. It’s always a nice feeling to know that you are the source of happiness for someone’s life.

9. “You are amazing in bed!”

And of course, a man is always going to want to know that he’s doing great in bed. A man’s performance is still going to be a great deal to him.

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Be With The Person Who Always Chooses To Fight For You

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You always have to choose to be with the person who is going to fight for you. It’s not enough that you’re in a relationship with someone who is only going to tolerate being with you. After all, that’s not what being in love is all about. It’s not enough that you’re only going to be with someone who is just going to allow you to be there. Admittedly, they have to actually want you to be in their lives. It’s not enough that you’re the only one who is fighting for the relationship work. Honestly, it’s always going to take power and effort of two people to make a relationship work. And unfortunately for you, if they don’t fit that bill, then you have to walk away.

You need to be with a person who makes a conscious choice to stay with you for every single day that you are together as a couple. Moreover, you need a person who is always going to consider you to be an essential part of their day. They must always make it a point to make time for you. After all, we only ever really spend time with the people who are most important to us. And if they don’t spend that much time with you, then you know that there is an inherent problem there that needs to be addressed. Fundamentally, two people who love one another should never get tired of being with each other. If you love one another, you would always be excited at the thought of being together.

You have to be with someone who is always going to choose to be with you. You must have someone who doesn’t leave you feeling doubtful and scared in the relationship. Honestly, it’s hard to find someone who would be able to give you a sense of comfort and ease in this life. It’s never going to be easy to find someone who you can trust so wholeheartedly and unashamedly. That’s why whenever you manage to find that person in your life, you should never let them go. If you have someone who loves you in ways that no one else does, you should always show your appreciation for that individual.

As you make your way through your relationship, you should always anticipate some good times and some bad. It’s never going to be a smooth ride throughout. You aren’t still going to be happy and joyful. It’s vital that you can anticipate a lot of rough patches and tough stretches in your relationship. That’s why you are going to want a partner who is able to hold your hand all the way through. You want to be with someone who is always going to stay consistent with you no matter how much the conditions or environments might change. You want a partner who you know is still going to be waiting for you when you get home.

You should only be with someone who is never going to shy away from showing their love to you consistently. Moreover, you want to find a person who is going to push, motivate, and inspire you to go after your dreams with reckless abandon. You want to be with someone who is almost going to feel like a safety net. They have to be able to make you feel like you are free to pursue your grandest dreams and most significant goals without being afraid. You want to be with someone who is going to always lift you up and treat you with the utmost respect. They should never stand in the way of you and your goals.

It’s no easy feat trying to find a person like this, but you always have to persist. For your own sake, you need to value yourself. You need to love yourself enough to demand proper treatment. You have to fight for someone to fight for you. And if at the end of the day, that’s not what you’re getting out of someone, then you need to be willing to walk away. You have to be strong enough to be on your own. It’s terrible to settle with someone who isn’t going to treat you the way that you deserve to be treated.

Trust that eventually, you’re going to find this individual in your life. You have to be able to believe that you are worthy of that fairytale kind of love. And most importantly, you have to believe that that love is eventually going to come for you. The first step into getting all your dreams to come true is to believe it first. Once you have that covered, it’s just a matter of fighting for it.

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If You Don’t Choose Her, Then Just Leave Her

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If you’re not going to choose her, then you might as well leave her. You should never be treating her as if she’s only going to be relegated to second place. This is a woman who is deserving of much better than that. Don’t be chasing after her if you know in your heart that she isn’t the girl who you want to be with. It’s essential that she doesn’t end up as one of the girls you play around with. That would be wrong. If you have some emotional baggage in your life, you shouldn’t be taking it out on her. Resolve your issues and try to leave her out of it.

After all, what she wants to do is to love you. However, if you’re going to continue to treat her this way, then she isn’t going to respond too well. If she isn’t going to end up as your first choice, then stop making it seem as if it’s like that. Don’t get her to become all vulnerable only for you to leave her hanging high and dry. Additionally, stop chasing after her if you’re only going to dump her once you have her as putty in your hands. No one wants to be mistreated in such a manner. And she certainly doesn’t deserve it.

Take Care of Her Heart

She wants to love you with all of her heart. However, she’s afraid to do so because she knows that she’s putting herself at risk. That’s why you should be doing everything in your power to assure her that you would never hurt her. And she is never going to get that from you if you keep on putting her in second place. After all, no one likes being a mere option. Everyone always wants to be a priority. Everyone wants to be the most important. If you don’t plan on sticking around long enough for her, then you shouldn’t be there for her at all.

Let her down easily. Break things off. After all, you know that this is the right thing to do. She wants to feel loved. However, she isn’t going to be able to receive the love that she deserves from you. That’s why it’s essential for you to be honest right at the start. Don’t try to get her hopes up. Stop making it seem like there’s a chance for you to be that guy for her. She’s going to buy into whatever you tell her. That’s why you always have to be responsible for what you say.

Stop Being All Sweet Only to Abandon Her

If you don’t plan on sticking around for too long, then stop being sweet with her. Don’t look into her eyes for hours on end only to have your mind wandering. Granted, you are allowed to have your own life. You are always encouraged to pursue your personal goals and interests. However, if you want to find true love, then you still need to make space for that special someone. And if she isn’t that particular person to you, then stop treating her as if she is. You never want to be acting intelligently or sneakily when it comes to love and romance. Be fair to her.

After all, it isn’t fair that you lead her on with no hope at all. It’s not fair that you make her feel like she has to wait for you a little longer. Undoubtedly, it would be fantastic if she would be able to change your mind about it. But you know that that just isn’t going to be happening at all. That’s why you should only be letting her down easy. You should be upfront by telling her that things are never going to work out. Don’t give her false hope. After all, these false lifelines can be very dangerous to a person’s psyche.

Don’t Be Selfish and Let Her Go

Admittedly, it feels nice to have someone like her around to feed into your ego. Undoubtedly, it feels great to know that you have someone who would give up her own life for you. However, you can’t be that cruel. She is a human being with her fair share of emotions and feelings too. You have to be able to acknowledge that you treat her terribly by not choosing to be with her every day that you’re together.

Make that choice. Be a man. Own up to whatever decision you make. Regardless if you end up choosing her or not, she will get closure. And that’s a lot better than just being led on day by day by a man she can’t ever be sure with.

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