Here’s a 4-word query that can enhance safety and build trust.
A recent study revealed that when parents used lies to keep
their children in line, those kids were much more likely to lie to others,
including parents, as they grew up (Setoh, Zhao, Santos, Heyman, & Lee,
2019). There’s an oft-repeated saying that “Children learn what they live,” and
psychological research tends to provide the evidence to support this.
If your parents threatened to
“call the police” or warn you that you might be “put in jail” if you didn’t
stop doing what you were doing, there’s a good chance that you, as an adult,
are now lying to your parents more
than your friends do—and maybe to your friends and partners, as well.
Not only might parental lies
shape your own verbal behaviour as you mature, but those lies might also
negatively affect your overall ability to meet psychological and social
challenges. When a parent warns, “Don’t lie to me, son,” but models the use of
lies as methods of behaviour control, the parent is confusing the child and
creating the very model of the behaviour they are asking the child to reject;
this is a type of double bind. While research has shown that the “refrigerator
mother” and the “double bind” are not causes of schizophrenia or autism in
children, putting kids into a “double bind” is possibly going to lead to some
serious adjustment and relational issues down the road. The authors of the
study suggested that when children are controlled by parental control that
involves lies and threats, that their sense of autonomy and emotional
well-being may be inhibited by their parents’ assertion of authority. Learning
to trust a parent who uses lies to manage your behaviour can be a very
difficult thing to accomplish.
Humans May Be
Programmed to Trust at Birth, but Poor Relationships Can Compromise This
Ability
When children don’t learn about
trust through relationships with their parents when they are in their early
formative years of attachment and
bonding, they may have a difficult time learning to trust anyone else, for that
matter. When we aren’t comfortable trusting others, we have a difficult time
trying to forge healthy adult relationships that would allow us the opportunity
to be comfortable in our own skin in relation to a person about whom we care
deeply and who cares for us. For the person low in trust, it can be risky to
let yourself believe in the affirmations and demonstrations of commitment from
another. If you grow up with caregivers who have lied to you as a way of
shaping your behaviours, it can be challenging to believe that a romantic
partner would not do the same. And for the partner of a person low in trust, it
can be extremely frustrating to feel that your partner has difficulty believing
that what you say—with words and actions—is the truth. Being doubted when
you’re in earnest can leave you feeling helpless or hollow.
However, one study (Cortes &
Woodard, 2019) has revealed that there is a simple way to help partners low in
trust actually experience, in a healthy way, your care, concern, and
commitment. It is achieved by simply checking in with your partner at the end
of each day with a gentle query, “How was your day?”
This sounds too simple, right?
How can a gentle, four-word question be an intervention for lack of trust? The
authors believe that this may be due to the gentleness and low-threat nature of
the query that doesn’t raise a partner’s mistrust alarms or leave them feeling
that they’ve been put on the spot. Five studies conducted by the authors
provided clear evidence that partners low in trust experience increases in
levels of relationship satisfaction as well as experience their partners as
caring when they were asked about their own experiences in such a simple manner
as, “How was your day?” While individuals who displayed normal or higher levels
of trust did not experience the same effect, partners who had difficulties in
trusting their partners were positively affected by a partner’s conveying care
through a simple verbal check-in.
Don’t Blame Parents for Too Long
While parents may shape the
culture that shapes children’s emotional and psychological identities, once
adulthood is reached and dependence on parents comes to an end, it is time to
focus on becoming the person that you would like to be and create your own
culture of safety and support. Changing behaviours that are instilled into
people since they were children can be challenging. However, helping a partner
overcome limitations to being the best partner they can be is often a
worthwhile investment of love and support.
When a partner lies to you and
you know that lying is a habit, call them out on it and remind them that they
don’t need to lie to you, that you can relate to them better when the truth is
the language they use.
When a lack of trust seems to be
a constant source of conflict, rather than frequently remonstrating your
partner for not trusting you, just use gentle check-ins on a regular basis that
illustrate your care for your partner and your interest in their experiences
and their lives. “How was your day?” is much more welcome than a barrage of
questions about why they can’t trust you. If they learned early that others
cannot be trusted, there’s really not much more they could say by way of
explanation. Don’t accuse, don’t attack, don’t make your partner feel that they
have to rationalize and justify their feelings. Simply offer the reassurance of
your concern and commitment through curiosity and care about their lives.